my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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