My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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