My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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