Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
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Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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