By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
