Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
