i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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