I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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