I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
