I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
