I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just high enough for therapy.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
