last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
