Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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