I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
