I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
