he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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