You made me cry and you don't even care
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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