i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
