i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
