Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize