I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the day after is always just damage control
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize
