Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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