I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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