By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
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I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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