Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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