yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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