Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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