She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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