My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
