I'm really into asian looking animals
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
