Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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