I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
