My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
