Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
