I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
