Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
you never un-have a 4some
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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