Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
