Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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