Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
