Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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