i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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