Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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