i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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