he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
