He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
