dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The air was thick with penises
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
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