if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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