Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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