Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
