i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
