You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
