woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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