she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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