I feel great
I just peed on a car
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
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There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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