What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
