that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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