No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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