he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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