there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
