the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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