That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize