At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
