PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
