i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We had to coat check the pizza.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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